The Divine Lamp

Rob has asked me if I intend on voting in the 2012 elections.  This got me thinking about the future.

By 2012 I plan to have my own political action group functioning.  We’ll call ourselves AHOLES and we’ll get people (both living and dead) to register and vote for all candidates.  We think the “One party wins the White House” system of government quite wrong.  As in T-Ball, where everybody wins and gets a trophy, so too in politics, every party should get a piece of the White House.

Of course, if we are successful, we can no longer call it the White House, because, in fact, it will be a condominium.  And we certainly can’t call it the “White” Condominium, that would raise objections from certain ethnic and sexual groups: What’s wrong with black? what’s wrong with pink?

Painting it neutral gray is out of the question.  Some people think gray is an attempt to “white out” black.  Also, my experience tells me that white heterosexuals are less sensitive about the color of house paint than other people; but there are the pasty-faced whites who are an exception.  You know, the ones with the shaved heads and Nazi tattoos.  They think gray is an attempt to “black out” white.

I suppose we could tell the blacks and whites that these two “colors” aren’t really colors at all, rather, they are the negation of color (as I learned in first grade art class).  Unfortunately, this would leave the pasty-faced whites scratching their skin-heads wondering what this means; and the blacks, along with open-minded whites (i.e., democrats) would just hire Jesse Jackson to denounce us AHOLES as racists who are insinuating that blacks are non-entities.

We at AHOLE would be forced to point out that if such an accusation were true, it would mean that we were also declaring that whites are non-entities.  Seizing upon this, the pasty-faced skin-heads will likewise accuse us of being anti-white racists, thereby showing that when it comes to race issues, they can be just as open-minded as any Massachusetts Democrat.

I suppose that for the sake of harmony we could just pretend that black and white are colors, and then  paint the structure at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with all the colors in the new spectrum; but this would just piss off the color blind.

Needless to say, blogging will be light over the next for years as I attempt to work out these problems.

A Baptist preacher on youTube offers his take on the Old testament phrase “One who pisseth against the wall.”

In fact, the term has a pejorative meaning, and all the Biblical uses threaten impending death. In the Middle East in ancient times it was considered immodest to urinate standing up; one crouched or sat in order to conceal oneself. The term originally denoted young boys who, precisely because they were young lacked a sense of modesty. When used in reference to adult men it always had negative connotations.

Let this be a lesson to you; avoid fundamentalist preachers:

We have the more sure word of prophecy; and you do well that you heed it, as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns, and the morning star arises in your hearts: cb(1,20); 1:20 knowing this first, that no prophecy of Scripture is of private interpretation….But false prophets also arose among the people, as false teachers will also be among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, denying even the Master who bought them, bringing on themselves swift destruction…forsaking the right way, they went astray, having followed the way of Balaam the son of Beor, who loved the wages of wrongdoing; cb(2,16); 2:16 but he was rebuked for his own disobedience. A mute donkey spoke with a man’s voice and stopped the madness of the prophet… In those (i.e., St Paul’s writings), there are some things that are hard to understand, which the ignorant and unsettled twist, as they also do to the other Scriptures, to their own destruction. (see 2 Peter)

So, remember to sit down. The life you save could be your own. Especially if there are women in the house. H/T Canterbury Tales

My sister sent me this via email:

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,

which they called ‘Yam.’

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,

 so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed,

and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’

and end-up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry;

no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe.  Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.  And the greasy guys from France called French Fries.  And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow

and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Gold’s,

or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise

their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University)

So that when she graduated she’d really be the chips

But in spite of all they did for her,

one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw

because he’s just…

are you ready for this?

A COMMONTATER…

We here at THE DIVINE LAMP have learned that the “scholar” who recently claimed that Moses was more a dope fiend than a prophet is set to release a CD of music based upon his findings. This is the claim made by THE HOLY ROLLERS STONED, a magazine well respected by mushroom-dropping researches engaged in religious studies.

According to the magazine-a periodical which is produced only when the editor’s mother makes him get out of his bedroom and do something with his life-Benny Shanon, who recently claimed that the prophetic visions of Moses and the prophets were the result of taking hallucinogenics, will release a CD on the subject. Benny, who is currently the Timothy Leary Lecturer at UC-Berkley’s Chemically Induced Scientific Research Center, is also lead guitarist and stash-keeper for the band Pontius Pilate and the Nail Driving Five. The band is known for its retro-60’s psychedelic sound and its interest in debunking religion. Other members include zoologist and drummer Dickie Dawkins; the band’s front-man is thespian/lesbian and pseudo-comic Rosie O’Donnell; the mock Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams is on synthesizer; sci-fi director James Cameron, who is well known for tooting his own horn, is on saxophone; and Philip Pullman, an author of novels for atheist children is the bands pied piper. The band recently made headlines by firing its long-time bassist, but as Benny Shanon explained, “My chemical thinking really put me off bass.”

Shanon was reluctant to get into further details about the CD but we here at THE DIVINE LAMP were able to score the opening lyrics for one of the songs, entitled “White Rabbi”

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that Rabbi gives you
Are the very best of all
Just ask Moses
About when he got called.

Some other songs on the CD, all written by Pullman, include: ST LUCY IN THE SKY WITH ZIRCONIUM DIAMONDS; INCENSE AND EXPERIMENTS; IF YOU’RE GOING TO MOUNT SINAI (put flowers in your hair). In addition, the band covers two classics: JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE MIND, made famous by The Amboy Dukes; and IMAGINE, by John Lennon.
Posted by Dim Bulb. Check out MY OTHER SITE.

Some “scholar” is claiming that Moses’ visions were the result of drug induced hallucinations.  He apparently is an authority, having gotten high himself a couple of times.  HERE is the link.  And HERE is the comment I left.

Okay, so there is no prize, but quit screaming “fraud!” for a moment and play anyway, you might have fun.

Dissident theologian Richard McBrien, (”who never met a Church teaching he agreed with”*) has established on the web a collection of his essays from the past thirty years. This got me to thinking: if he were to collect all his works together and publish them in Latin, what would an appropriate title for the collection be? My entry to this contest is: THE SUMMA SCATOLOGICA. If you know Latin, or can reasonably fake it, please feel free to enter.

Contest Rules:

1. All entries must be in Latin, Pig-Latin, or a reasonable facsimile of either.

2. All entries must be funny, stupid, or both.

3. Dim Bulb Inc. Shall not be held accountable for any litigation due to contestant’s liables or character assassinations of McB.

4. Members of Dim Bulb’s Family, along with his friends are allowed to participate. Generally, this is against standard contest rules, but, since the former do not read his blog, and since the latter are non-existent, concessions have been made.

5. The decision of the judge (Dim Bulb) is final. No appeals however whiny or justified will be considered.

* Quote taken from Father Richard John Neuhaus.

I took an online test to see what color rose I am. Here it is:

You Are a White Rose

You represent youthfulness and purity.Your vibe: Sweet and heavenlyFalling in love with you: is like falling in love for the first time

What Color Rose Are You?

Okay, girls, come and get me!

Return to main blog. See my other blog.

As you have probably heard by now, a well publicized incident occurred today in Rome when a man jumped a barricade and tried to jump into the Pope-mobile in order to see or speak to the Holy Father. Rumors quickly spread that the man was in fact a well known, aging (aren’t they all?), liberal theologian, possibly from Notre Dame.

We here at The Divine Lamp have learned that a second incident occurred as well. An elderly gentleman was apprehended on the balcony from which the Pope usually delivers his Angelus address. Witnesses say he spit from the balcony and shouted in a thick Swiss accent: “I’m Kung of the world! I’m Kung of the world!”

One source said that while the Vatican is playing down these two incidents, there is concern for the growing number of cases of Dissident Dementia among what remains of the “spirit of Vatican II” generation.

“There are,” said our source, “certain medications that can slow down, or temporarily treat, the onslaught of naturally occurring dementia; but how do you treat the willfully self-inflicted kind? The CDF documents don’t seem to work on those in the advanced stages of the affliction, since, as the affliction develops, the dissident becomes immune to reason and real theology”

“In the end,” according to our source, “the Vatican appears to be willing to just ride out the crisis, which, given the age of the DD sufferers, will no doubt soon exhaust itself.” So far the Vatican has simply called upon the head of its jail to increase the fiber content of the meals it serves, and to lay in a fairly large supply of adult diapers.”

B.L.: Good morning and welcome to the Outer Darkness Radio Show here on WHEL, six point sixty-six on your FM dial. I’m your host B.L. Zebub. Here in the studio with me is my producer, whom you all know and love, Mister Judas Iscariot. Hello, Judie. How ya hangin’?

Judas: Not funny, BL.

BL: Sorry! I just couldn’t resist. Bah-dah-bing! Listen, we got a great show for our listeners today. First up is the big dog himself.

Judas: Really?

BL: That’s right. The Master of Machinations; the Maestro of Malignancy; the Emperor of the Inferno; the Sultan of Sulfur; the Lord of the Fourth Estate; He who holds the Kingdom of Death; the real Speaker of the House; the Ringmaster of the Ninth Circus Court of Appeals; the huge Dragon; the Ancient Serpent who is called the Devil and the Adversary; the Beast who put the bad in Abaddon; the one; the only; the incomparable; the unconscionable; Lucifer Satanus!

Satan: Dear me! thank you for that wonderful introduction.

BL: Certainly. Now, your infernalness, I know your time is short so lets get right down to business. You’re here to talk about your latest plan to undermine the Roman Catholic Church.

Satan: Yes. I call it “Operation Pimp a Priestess,” and I’m quite proud of it. Basically it’s a rehashing and refinement of my deception of Eve.

BL: What does Eve have to do with the priestess movement?

Satan: When what’s His name created the world He created it as a temple. And when He created that filthy thing called Adam He gave him priestly duties in that temple; He told the filthy thing to “guard and keep” the garden, which was sort of a Holy Place. I must give the human priest his due; he did guard and keep it and all within it admirably-that is until I showed up.

BL: Rather than go at the priest directly you went at him through the woman.

Satan: It was very subtle and very effective. Unfortunately, my time grows short, so the time for subtleties is over.

BL: What is your plan now?

Satan: As you noted in that wonderful introduction you gave me, I am Lord of the Fourth Estate…

BL: For all you dim bulbs out there, that means the secular media.
Satan: …Yes! My servants on that estate are some of my most trusted minions, as you know. I have engaged them in a campaign of disinformation and deceit against What’s His Name and his allies. By using the press I lose something of the up close and personal touch I enjoy but the end result is the same; souls taken from What’s His Name.

BL: Can you give us some details?

To be continued (maybe)

Posted by Dim Bulb

The Jesuits used to be a religious order made up of a group of men.  Now it is a a group of irreligious men out of order.  The Jesuitical University of San Francisco just held their commencment ceremonies with the pro-baby-killing, pseudo-Catholic, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, delivering the keynote address.  I wont go into details since you can read about it here.  I do however find it funny that the graduating class wrote a “class song” to the tune of a Tony Bennet classic.  The title of the “class song”?  “I Lost My Soul In San Fransisco.”

(Yes, I know not all Jesuits are bad.  They are the ones who deserve a better order)