The Divine Lamp

Tonight, in the Mile High City of Denver, American politics will acheive a new low when Deathocrat Senator Barak “just try to guess my position on the issues” Obama will accept the Deathocratic Convention’s nomination for President of the United States. Sadly, no natural disaster which might bring an end to this travesty is looming; however, the National Weather Service is predicting gloomy darkness, waterless clouds, and insubstantial mist driven by the hot air of empty bombastic rhetoric (see 2 Peter 2:17-18)

What’s an empty suit like Obama going to do in the Oval Office? Hang around in the closest where President Clinton didn’t have sexual relations with that woman?

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My Sister sent me this:

Generate a Barack Obama Quote!

“I think it’s time we had a national conversation about capitalism. We need to get past all the lives and recognize that we are our own best hope for overcoming children. We need abortionists, not crises. Abortionists are our happiness. And we need to have change in capitalism.”
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com

Generate a Barack Obama Quote!

“These people haven’t had happiness for fifty years. So you can’t be surprised if they get bitter and cling to their lives and their crises and their children. That’s what my campaign is about. Teaching all the little people in this country that they can have abortionists.”
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com

Generate a Barack Obama Quote!

“You know, there’s a lot of talk in this country about capitalism. Well I think Americans are tired of the same old lives. Ordinary Americans believe in abortionists, they want less
crises, they just aren’t sure if their leaders believe in happiness.”
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com

Generate a Barack Obama Quote!

“I think it’s time we had a national conversation about sadness. We need to get past all the snakes and recognize that we are our own best hope for overcoming politicians. We need abortionists, not asses. Abortionists are our life. And we need to have change in sadness.”
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com

Generate a Barack Obama Quote!

“These people haven’t had life for fifty years. So you can’t be surprised if they get bitter and cling to their snakes and their asses and their politicians. That’s what my campaign is about. Teaching all the little people in this country that they can have abortionists.”
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com

Generate a Barack Obama Quote!

“You know, there’s a lot of talk in this country about sadness. Well I think Americans are tired of the same old snakes. Ordinary Americans believe in abortionists, they want less
asses, they just aren’t sure if their leaders believe in life.”
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com

H/T to ACTS OF THE APOSTASY

Via the Lady in the Pew comes this from THE GLOBE:

The main headline on a report in yesterday’s City and Region section may have led to the erroneous impression that three women will be recognized as priests by the Roman Catholic Church after their ordination tomorrow. As the report and a subordinate headline made clear, the women’s status after the ordination is a matter of dispute. Although the organization hosting the ceremony will consider the women to be Catholic priests, the Vatican and the Archdiocese of Boston will regard them as having excommunicated themselves and therefore as being neither Catholic nor priests.

I must confess that I very much empathize with these women. My not so multitudinous readership may find this hard to believe, for I don’t like to brag about it, but I am a card carrying member of MENSA. In other words, less than one per cent of the world’s population matches or surpasses my I.Q. level.

Unfortunately, I had to print the membership card up myself on my computer because the arrogant bastards at MENSA refuse to consider me a member. Why? They say its because I designed and executed the I.Q. test myself and that this makes it invalid. I tried to explain to these well educated morons who seem not to know their own bylaws that, in fact, the test was designed and administered to me secretly by a member of the MENSA board, and that this was done in the Halls of Congress, which as everyone knows is foreign territory in the intellectual world, consequently, the bylaws of MENSA are not applicable.

Since my rejection by this organization of which I know I am a member (just ask me, I’ll confirm it), I have been taking my plight to the American people via Hollywood, the newspapers, and the Almighty Oprah.

The Oprah experience was quite uplifting! My, what a compassionate woman! She was genuinely touched by my account of how I struggled to laminate my homemade MENSA card with Saran Wrap. “Oh, you poor, sweet dear,” she said to me as I struggled to maintain my composure, “I had a similar experience with a homemade Weight Watchers card.” That was very consoling.

My experience with the major secular newspapers is just frustrating. I attempted to get them interested in my struggle but to no avail. An intern/junior-editor-in-training from one of them sent me a nicely worded letter which stated in part: “As a member of MENSA I’m sure you’re smart enough to appreciate the complexities of our situation. We’re not calling Muslim terrorist Muslim…hell! we’re not even calling them terrorist but, rather, freedom fighters or insurgents. We are calling conservatives conservative when the issue is a liberal one; we’re not calling liberals liberal when the issue is conservative. We are terming the surveillance of phone calls between the US and Arab countries domestic spying but we’re calling flights between the US and foreign countries international. We are not calling Obama and empty suit but we are asking where is the substance to John McCain, and for some reason people are beginning to doubt our journalistic integrity.”

In other words, the can’t help me. Personally, I think it’s because they have an aversion to the MEN in MENSA; but this is just speculation on my part, and, like you, ladies, I’m not one to let my imagination run wild.

A Baptist preacher on youTube offers his take on the Old testament phrase “One who pisseth against the wall.”

In fact, the term has a pejorative meaning, and all the Biblical uses threaten impending death. In the Middle East in ancient times it was considered immodest to urinate standing up; one crouched or sat in order to conceal oneself. The term originally denoted young boys who, precisely because they were young lacked a sense of modesty. When used in reference to adult men it always had negative connotations.

Let this be a lesson to you; avoid fundamentalist preachers:

We have the more sure word of prophecy; and you do well that you heed it, as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns, and the morning star arises in your hearts: cb(1,20); 1:20 knowing this first, that no prophecy of Scripture is of private interpretation….But false prophets also arose among the people, as false teachers will also be among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, denying even the Master who bought them, bringing on themselves swift destruction…forsaking the right way, they went astray, having followed the way of Balaam the son of Beor, who loved the wages of wrongdoing; cb(2,16); 2:16 but he was rebuked for his own disobedience. A mute donkey spoke with a man’s voice and stopped the madness of the prophet… In those (i.e., St Paul’s writings), there are some things that are hard to understand, which the ignorant and unsettled twist, as they also do to the other Scriptures, to their own destruction. (see 2 Peter)

So, remember to sit down. The life you save could be your own. Especially if there are women in the house. H/T Canterbury Tales

Courtesy of Catholic Cartoon Blog

My sister sent me this via email:

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,

which they called ‘Yam.’

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,

 so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed,

and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’

and end-up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry;

no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe.  Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.  And the greasy guys from France called French Fries.  And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow

and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Gold’s,

or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise

their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University)

So that when she graduated she’d really be the chips

But in spite of all they did for her,

one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw

because he’s just…

are you ready for this?

A COMMONTATER…

Having heard about global warming from a certain chicken, these ducks thought they could tarry along the Erie Canal in central New York a little longer before heading south for the winter.  They were wrong.

H/T to The Cafeteria Is Closed.  This post ends with a comment I left on that site.
Crap, we’re all going to hell, according to this preacher. From the AP

Bible in hand, Micah Armstrong strides into the middle of a small group of students at the University of Alabama and starts preaching.

You’re going to hell if you drink beer, he says. You’re going to hell if you curse. You’re going to hell if you smoke dope, masturbate, fornicate, watch a Hollywood movie, listen to rap, read Harry Potter books or attend most Protestant churches, Armstrong says.

Homosexuals are hellbound, too, he says. So are women with low-cut tops, short hair, pants or jobs.

“Women have two places: In front of the sink and behind the vacuum,” Armstrong proclaims.

“Ooooh,” moans the crowd, now swelled to at least 250 people.

Armstrong springs forward on one foot, thumping his Bible as he lands. “Yeee-ah,” shouts a heckler, mimicking Howard Dean’s campaign scream and dressed like Armstrong with a low-slung cap, backpack and suspenders.

And the show goes on. For four hours.

Known to a reluctant flock as Brother Micah, Armstrong holds a near mythic status on college campuses across the eastern United States. He’s spent the last two years visiting a circuit of 28 schools, preaching a fire-and-brimstone message of repentance to anyone who will listen.
…

Armstrong’s harangues sometimes provoke debate, sometimes laughter. Shouting matches between Armstrong and offended students are frequent. So are questions — some serious, some, well, not so serious.

“Brother Micah, can God microwave a burrito so hot he can’t eat it?” a student with dreadlocks called from the crowd.

“Chuck Norris can!” someone screeched, prompting a roar.
…

“I love you sinners enough to rebuke you,” he said. “I don’t want you to go to hell.”

My response:
“Women have two places: In front of the sink and behind the vacuum,” Armstrong proclaims.

What!!! And just who the hell is supposed to do my laundry and cook my meals for me; wash the dishes I use and run me and my friends to the mall?

Expand your horizons, you narrow minded heretic. What if my mom or the sisquatch* hear you and start demanding (gasp) limitations on the things my blessed maleness entitles me to?

*Sisquatch; noun. A tall, hairy-knuckled, primate-like beast with freakishly large feet. Often incorrectly identified as belong to the species of older sister.

We here at THE DIVINE LAMP have learned that the “scholar” who recently claimed that Moses was more a dope fiend than a prophet is set to release a CD of music based upon his findings. This is the claim made by THE HOLY ROLLERS STONED, a magazine well respected by mushroom-dropping researches engaged in religious studies.

According to the magazine-a periodical which is produced only when the editor’s mother makes him get out of his bedroom and do something with his life-Benny Shanon, who recently claimed that the prophetic visions of Moses and the prophets were the result of taking hallucinogenics, will release a CD on the subject. Benny, who is currently the Timothy Leary Lecturer at UC-Berkley’s Chemically Induced Scientific Research Center, is also lead guitarist and stash-keeper for the band Pontius Pilate and the Nail Driving Five. The band is known for its retro-60’s psychedelic sound and its interest in debunking religion. Other members include zoologist and drummer Dickie Dawkins; the band’s front-man is thespian/lesbian and pseudo-comic Rosie O’Donnell; the mock Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams is on synthesizer; sci-fi director James Cameron, who is well known for tooting his own horn, is on saxophone; and Philip Pullman, an author of novels for atheist children is the bands pied piper. The band recently made headlines by firing its long-time bassist, but as Benny Shanon explained, “My chemical thinking really put me off bass.”

Shanon was reluctant to get into further details about the CD but we here at THE DIVINE LAMP were able to score the opening lyrics for one of the songs, entitled “White Rabbi”

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that Rabbi gives you
Are the very best of all
Just ask Moses
About when he got called.

Some other songs on the CD, all written by Pullman, include: ST LUCY IN THE SKY WITH ZIRCONIUM DIAMONDS; INCENSE AND EXPERIMENTS; IF YOU’RE GOING TO MOUNT SINAI (put flowers in your hair). In addition, the band covers two classics: JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE MIND, made famous by The Amboy Dukes; and IMAGINE, by John Lennon.
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