Teacher, what must I do to go to hell?
March 15th, 2008 by Dim BulbH/T to The Cafeteria Is Closed. This post ends with a comment I left on that site.
Crap, we’re all going to hell, according to this preacher. From the AP
Bible in hand, Micah Armstrong strides into the middle of a small group of students at the University of Alabama and starts preaching.
You’re going to hell if you drink beer, he says. You’re going to hell if you curse. You’re going to hell if you smoke dope, masturbate, fornicate, watch a Hollywood movie, listen to rap, read Harry Potter books or attend most Protestant churches, Armstrong says.
Homosexuals are hellbound, too, he says. So are women with low-cut tops, short hair, pants or jobs.
“Women have two places: In front of the sink and behind the vacuum,” Armstrong proclaims.
“Ooooh,” moans the crowd, now swelled to at least 250 people.
Armstrong springs forward on one foot, thumping his Bible as he lands. “Yeee-ah,” shouts a heckler, mimicking Howard Dean’s campaign scream and dressed like Armstrong with a low-slung cap, backpack and suspenders.
And the show goes on. For four hours.
Known to a reluctant flock as Brother Micah, Armstrong holds a near mythic status on college campuses across the eastern United States. He’s spent the last two years visiting a circuit of 28 schools, preaching a fire-and-brimstone message of repentance to anyone who will listen.
…Armstrong’s harangues sometimes provoke debate, sometimes laughter. Shouting matches between Armstrong and offended students are frequent. So are questions — some serious, some, well, not so serious.
“Brother Micah, can God microwave a burrito so hot he can’t eat it?” a student with dreadlocks called from the crowd.
“Chuck Norris can!” someone screeched, prompting a roar.
…“I love you sinners enough to rebuke you,” he said. “I don’t want you to go to hell.”
My response:
“Women have two places: In front of the sink and behind the vacuum,” Armstrong proclaims.
What!!! And just who the hell is supposed to do my laundry and cook my meals for me; wash the dishes I use and run me and my friends to the mall?
Expand your horizons, you narrow minded heretic. What if my mom or the sisquatch* hear you and start demanding (gasp) limitations on the things my blessed maleness entitles me to?
*Sisquatch; noun. A tall, hairy-knuckled, primate-like beast with freakishly large feet. Often incorrectly identified as belong to the species of older sister.
Posted in humor |
March 15th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
We had a guy like that on the UA campus. He rotated between there and Berkeley (following the weather?). His name was Dave and he insisted on correct nomenclature. The savior’s name was Y’shua, see, and if you called him Jesus you were going to Hell. He had gone through the entire New Testament and crossed out every ‘Jesus’ and replaced it with ‘Y’shua’.
He liked to finish his hours-long sermons with the Dance of David. It was everyone’s favorite part.
March 15th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Our parish library actually has a bible translated by such a group. Besides translating the name Jesus as Y’shua, they insist on not using the term “Judah” or “Jew” as well. I’ve forgotten why. Maybe I’ll check out the work and re-read the introduction.
March 16th, 2008 at 8:39 am
What!!! And just who the hell is supposed to do my laundry and cook my meals for me; wash the dishes I use and run me and my friends to the mall?
ha ha …..wait for it…..
March 18th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
masturbate, fornicate, watch a Hollywood movie
Homosexuals are hellbound
Oh, f___! I’m scrued! :-) :D :p
The savior’s name was Y’shua, see, and if you called him Jesus you were going to Hell. He had gone through the entire New Testament and crossed out every ‘Jesus’ and replaced it with ‘Y’shua’
The same for the Romanian Orthodox: Jesus (Iisus) is always spelled with two I’s. Never with one. :D :p :)
Women have two places: In front of the sink and behind the vacuum,” Armstrong proclaims
” … but only the first one is to be used”, the Patristic consensus proclaims. :D :-|