The Divine Lamp

As you have probably heard by now, a well publicized incident occurred today in Rome when a man jumped a barricade and tried to jump into the Pope-mobile in order to see or speak to the Holy Father. Rumors quickly spread that the man was in fact a well known, aging (aren’t they all?), liberal theologian, possibly from Notre Dame.

We here at The Divine Lamp have learned that a second incident occurred as well. An elderly gentleman was apprehended on the balcony from which the Pope usually delivers his Angelus address. Witnesses say he spit from the balcony and shouted in a thick Swiss accent: “I’m Kung of the world! I’m Kung of the world!”

One source said that while the Vatican is playing down these two incidents, there is concern for the growing number of cases of Dissident Dementia among what remains of the “spirit of Vatican II” generation.

“There are,” said our source, “certain medications that can slow down, or temporarily treat, the onslaught of naturally occurring dementia; but how do you treat the willfully self-inflicted kind? The CDF documents don’t seem to work on those in the advanced stages of the affliction, since, as the affliction develops, the dissident becomes immune to reason and real theology”

“In the end,” according to our source, “the Vatican appears to be willing to just ride out the crisis, which, given the age of the DD sufferers, will no doubt soon exhaust itself.” So far the Vatican has simply called upon the head of its jail to increase the fiber content of the meals it serves, and to lay in a fairly large supply of adult diapers.”